Is It Back? Or Is It Just a One-Time Thing?

So, it’s been a long time since I last updated. Mostly because there were no major issues.

These ‘episodes’ are mostly caused by some sort of obsession.

During high school I was really into F1. And I was so nervous to watch it, every Saturday and Sunday, sometimes even Friday, I felt really really sick, and had to throw up. Sometimes it happened even when it wasn’t a race weekend. Sometimes it happened when someone just mentioned it. I’m still not sure what it was about. I think I was really scared that something bad was gonna happen.

Anyway, that was happening for at least 2 years. But as a started college, it went away, partly because I couldn’t watch it, ’cause there was no TV. And now after a couple of years, I am able to watch it again. Maybe not completely in peace, I do still get minor anxiety, but not that I have to throw up.

And then for a really long time I managed not to let myself get obsessed over things I have no control over.

Until last fall that is. I started watching this show that updated daily. In the beginning, it was fine, I followed along occasionally, not every day, but when I had time. And then I made the mistake of going through the tumblr tag.

There were all these theories and I just couldn’t take it anymore. And there was a particular clip last December that completely wrecked me. I just read people’s reactions to it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Maybe if I had seen it, my brain would have realised that it wasn’t that bad.

But no, I had a major panic attack, I threw up, missed classes the next day, because I couldn’t travel for 2 hours and sit in a classroom because I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t eat, I basically didn’t even leave my bed.

And that was the beginning of the two worst weeks of my life. I avoided everything that had anything to do with it, their website and tumblr. I rarely went online at all because I was scared something was gonna pop up. I tried to get my mind of it, by binge watching other shows, but nothing worked. I tried watching silly comedies before bed to relax me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I tried to rationally explain to myself that it’s a show, it’s not real, it’s not happening to me, but I just couldn’t get my body to comply. I felt so week during that time, I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t do anything without thinking about it. In the shower, while travelling, while reading, while studying, while trying to sleep, and it kept making me sick.

And in two weeks, the show ended, and magically, my anxiety disappeared. Just like with F1, as soon as the race is over, I am able to eat and function normally.

It took me a while to actually watch it and be relaxed when watching it, but I got there.

There was an unrelated anxiety episode in January, but oddly enough, also tumblr-related, and after that I quit it for about 2 months. And finally felt okay again. No negativity proved to be very relaxing. I mean, I still had minor depressive episodes, but nothing longer than a day, and that usual anxiety before some important things in my life. But I managed to do a job interview and a presentation without feeling that nauseous.

Anyway, that show returned for another season, and I didn’t even realise until there were already 3 or 4 episodes out, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue it or not. I decided to do it, and actually managed to watch it with no problems. I even got back on tumblr. Big mistake again. People there are so angry about everything that doesn’t go their way. And I’m the idiot that keeps going back. I always thought I’d be able to leave a toxic relationship but I’m failing yet again. There are so many theories and I’ve realised that is what actually messes with my head the most. We have no control over it, but there are so many options and ways for it to unfold.

Anyway, back to the show. Now they are releasing clips from the last episode ever, and I barely slept last night, I woke up at 6, shaking and nauseous again. Sometimes I think I’ll feel better if I just throw up, but then at the same time, I’ll feel the consequences throughout the day. But feeling sick is the worst. I just want them to publish it as soon as possible so that it doesn’t ruin my whole day. If they publish it in the evening, I won’t get any work done today.

While writing this, I felt slightly better, like I was working through it, but as I reach the end of this post, I feel it coming back. And I really don’t understand why I let myself do this.

I feel weird about going to a therapist, mostly because most of them here are 60-year-old men who have no idea what these shows are, what tumblr is, and I don’t see a way of connecting and being able to tell them the full story. And sometimes I feel like people have much bigger issues than me and my stupid, show-obsessed brain.

Anyway, I know this feels silly, and I’m considering turning off the comments because they can actually make me feel worse.

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Kindergarten

As a child I wasn’t like this. I wasn’t this much of an introvert. I wasn’t this shy. I wasn’t this anxious.

I had a lot of friends when I was three or four, and plenty in kindergarten.

But kindergarten was also the first I remember some sort of conflict. I had lost a bracelet. It wasn’t a big deal, it was plastic. Still, when it was found, a girl I considered a friend said it was hers and took it. I think we stopped being friends after that.

I also have a weird recollection of an incident, I don’t know if it’s related to the bracelet, or if┬ásomeone hit me, but I remember having to hold up a spoon to my face so it would cool down.

Also I remember having crushes in kindergarten. At least one boy, maybe two.

Travelling

Lately, I’ve started feeling very nervous before every trip. I always used to travel from my hometown to the city for uni by train. And there were usually no problems. I did hate it and travelled only like once a month.

But now I have to go every Saturday for classes. And recently I’ve started thinking about the trip a few days before and already anticipating how I would feel. I start planning where I would like to sit, if there is space for me to choose. I envy the people who can just get on a train/bus/whatever and just not think about it.

Also now during winter, they overheat it and I just feel bad from the warmth.

But the biggest problem is my head, because I convince myself that I will be sick. I think the problem is that I have no distractions. It lasts for three hours for some reason. You can get there in an hour and a half by car or bus. And then I really don’t know what to do and how to distract myself from thinking about it. Usually when I travel with someone, we talk and I get distracted enough for my brain to stop.

My mouth get dry and I feel my stomach turning and turning. Sometimes I feel like throwing up and sometimes I feel like I have to run to the toilet because I have diarrhea.

I’m on a train right now and I hope this will help. I really try not thinking about it and people keep saying ‘just convince yourself you’re okay’. But it really is not that easy.