Job Update

While I still haven’t heard anything about the job I mentioned before, I did apply for another one a few days ago and they already got back to me, tested me and offered me some work.

However, I am not quite sure what to expect. I don’t really like the method of communication and am not sure about the payments and keeping track of the assignments.

They told me they pay over PayPal but I’m still highly suspicious. I’ll try it this week and then we’ll see. Maybe I won’t even have enough time because of the proofreading job.

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My Trip to Greece, Part 3

Athens – part three.

I got up surprisingly easy on Saturday, got ready, made some food that I ended up throwing away and went to the bus.

As I was the only one travelling alone, I was put in the very back, but I thankfully managed to get a window seat.

The person next to me took an anti-nausea pill and so did I. I usually am not sick but I take them out of precaution.

Actually, the only time I get sick is when I’m thinking about something else that upset me, or when someone sitting close to me is sick.

So I kept looking out the window, or keeping my eyes closed, but I felt her constantly moving and trying to calm down. At one moment, she got up and went to the guide. Soon we were stopping so she could throw up and later, we stopped again and she and her sister got off the bus.

My stomach was a mess after that, but I managed to use the toilet at the next stop and felt better immediately.

We stopped at a church. I am not particularly invested in the proceedings inside, but I do enjoy the architecture and how it looks.

We had a bit more to go, we saw a place where ‘the sea acts like a river’ and got on a highway to Athens.

There we went on a bus tour and saw some sights I didn’t get a chance to take a photo of. We went to the Acropolis and the Museum but didn’t go inside and just looked at it from a distance.

That was around 1:30 and then we had until 5 to roam and look around.

That sounds great until you realise that you have no one to talk to the entire day.

Anyway, I was planning to go get some food with the tour guide, but when I got inside the restaurant, all of the smells hit me at once and I realised that I had no idea what I can order, so I bailed. There goes that anxiety and picky eating thing again.

We got some awful maps and I started walking. I bought some fridge magnets, and then I started looking around. I went along one street and until the end until I found the square where we were supposed to meet.

I decide to go for another round and walk along the parallel street. The thing is that I was looking for the McDonald’s and I missed the street. So I kept walking and walking and I found myself at the farmer’s market and then on a completely new square, and I couldn’t find any of it on the map.

I wasn’t looking far enough on the map because I was sure there was no way I got that far. And then after I walked up and down that street for two and a half times, I asked someone where I was, and when they showed me that I was on a street that was very prominently marked on the map, I felt like an idiot that just kept walking in circles.

The first time, I started walking in the right direction but convinced myself that that was the wrong way.

Anyway, the kind people explained to me how I can get where I needed to go.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t scared at all, but I kept thinking how will they find me if I miss the bus, because I don’t know anyone on the bus and the guide doesn’t have my number. And it was nearing 4 o’clock.

I went where they told me to go, and realised that McDonald’s was the reason for my troubles. I still went in, ’cause I was super hungry and I knew what to order.

I managed to get to the Parliament for the change of the guards, and got on the bus at a quarter to 5.

We drove for a while, got on a ferry for about 50 minutes, and drove for another 30, 40 minutes.

I realised that I didn’t miss the people I came with at all. I was alone, but it felt so relaxing. I wished some other friends could have been there, but hey.

Those two went on their trip, I talked about it more with the cousin than with my friend.

All in all, I am very glad I went. I thought there will be more to see but I don’t regret anything. I probably won’t get another chance to go there and I’m glad I took it. Perhaps, it was badly planned. We mostly had to look at things from the bus or a distance. And maybe if I had some company, it would have been even better.
Something tells me this will have five parts in total, not sure when I’ll have the time to write and post them, but they are coming.

Also, I am very aware of how awful I sound. It seems ungrateful because I’m basically here for free and I’m constantly complaining. But I’m realising that I really do not enjoy spending that much time in the sun and it just tires me out so much. Also, depression is probably causing me to always say no and stay inside.

Part 4 which includes a semi-fight from Sunday/Monday and Part 5 which will include (hopefully) the return will be up by Sunday most definitely.

My Trip to Greece, Part 2

Turns out that the bus doesn’t leave from our town, but from another that is an hour and a half away by car. Ok, fine.

My friend’s cousin said that he has a ride organised and everything planned. He’ll let us know the exact time we’re supposed to meet and leave. Ok, fine.

He was 15 minutes late to our meeting about the trip, my friend is regularly late for everything. I like to get everywhere on time, or like 5 minutes early.

His ride is picking him up at 9, that’s when I should be at my friend’s and they’ll come and get us. Yeah, sure.

I expected everyone involved to be late, so I went there at 9:10. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t dressed and her suitcase wasn’t packed.

I hate how obsessed she gets with her dog. She couldn’t control it whatsoever. It kept jumping on me and my things. And she just stood there and laughed instead of letting me go inside.

She forgot to pack a beach towel. She couldn’t decide on which book to bring along. It was a mess.

I literally went inside and cried for about 30 seconds just to let it all out and then pretended everything was alright.

Right, the cousin arrived at a quarter to 10 and we left at 10. The ride was not that bad, but I was kind of worried because I didn’t know the driver. She kept sleeping on my shoulder while the cousin kept talking and talking.

He apparently hates people who don’t talk a lot. Which is exactly what I am. I thoroughly enjoy the silence and am not uncomfortable with it.

He kept talking and talking about the most random things that I couldn’t care less about.

When we got to the city, the driver said he wasn’t sure where he was supposed to go, and the cousin said he’ll tell him when to turn and where to go.

After a while I realised we were going in the wrong direction, and then we basically made a circle around the city and finally got to our destination. If I hadn’t told them, the cousin wouldn’t have said anything. We lost 20 minutes just driving around.

Anyway, we were told to be there at 12:30, we made it at 12 and the bus left at 1.

My biggest concern was the bathroom. I have a very easily irritated stomach especially when travelling because my anxiety just can’t stop annoying me. I either have diarrhoea or nausea. By the time we left, I’ve been to the toilet three times.

The bus ride was honestly really good. I didn’t have to take those pills against nausea, and everything was good. We had breaks every couple of hours and I went to the toilet every time, just to be safe.

The borders also didn’t take long and we arrived in Greece just before nine in the morning. The problem was that we couldn’t get into our room until at least 1.

So we went walking and exploring a bit, tired and exhausted. We ordered drinks (a Sprite is not a Sprite apparently). Somehow we made it until 1 and got the room.

I have to say, I was surprised. I heard all kinds of stories, but the people were really nice and the room was decent. We have a TV, an AC unit, a nice bathroom, a stove and fridge. And a nice terrace.

We ate and after a lot of rest, went walking on the beach and sat for a while.

I was so tired, I think I could have slept for two days straight. But of course, my friend would not allow it.

On Wednesday, we had a meeting with the tour guide, he informed us of all the one-day trips and I decided to go to Athens. My friend and her cousin would rather go visit other beaches. We couldn’t agree on anything we could do together, so I decided not to wait for them. I was going to Athens.

I swam for a bit on Wednesday, but like I said before, I don’t particularly enjoy it so that was that, simply to please her.

On Thursday, she got her period. Yes, I am not joking. She couldn’t swim anymore and tried to live through me, but of course, to no avail. I am not going to swim alone. You are the only reason I came here in the first place. And now I’m burning in the sun and you can’t even enjoy it.

I went to the beach with her in the morning and we just sat there, and the cousin went in the afternoon.

We also met a friend from high school and her boyfriend. They just happened to also come to this place. So she found someone else to annoy. There was a party that night and, thankfully, I didn’t have to go.

Friday was kind of weird. We slept until noon or so. Actually, she slept because she came back at 3:20. We went to the store and sunbathing in the afternoon/evening. We watched the sun set and then I went to bed and they went for a walk.

Even though I had to get uo at 5:20 to get ready for Athens, they didn’t even try to be quiet when they got back. They kept talking, their phones were going off, I was really pissed. My phone is always on silent, and you can’t even turn off the light when I’m trying to sleep.

This got way too long, so I’m moving Athens to the next part.
Also, I am aware that this is mostly me complaining about how they’re annoying and I’m not enjoying my holiday.

My Trip to Greece, Part 1

To start from the beginning.

I’m not one for summer vacations. I don’t particularly enjoy the sun, because I’m really pale and I burn quite easily. Whenever I’m invited to either the pool or the seaside, I decline. I don’t feel relaxed just lying in the sun.

However, people usually don’t understand. “What’s not to love? It’s the sea!”

Also, I’m not a particularly good swimmer. Probably because I rarely ever do it. I like when I can touch the ground and I don’t have the need to go into deeper waters. I get tired easily so I don’t want to risk anything.

People also don’t understand that part.

Especially the friend that invited me this time. I’ve known her for about nine years now. We’ve even lived together for three years during university.

I’ve said multiple times that I don’t like going to the seaside, that I prefer to visit cities and go sightseeing.

Now, for the story itself.

One Thursday afternoon, I get a text from her asking if I want to go to the seaside for free. I’m not really sure what she’s asking and ask for more information.

Her cousin was supposed to go with his brother and sister-in-law, but the doctor told her she can’t go. And there were two available spots, and everything was already paid for.

She had no idea which place it was, how many days, how we’re getting there… Nothing. Just that we were leaving on Monday.

I talked with my family about it, they all encouraged me to go, of course. I kept thinking about it, and was sure I was going to say no.

We met with the cousin on Friday and he gave us more info. He didn’t want to go alone, and the money to go to waste because there were no refunds. We had to decide on the spot and go to the agency.

And I felt bad for my friend because she really wanted to go but didn’t have anyone else to ask. I didn’t want to ruin her summer, so I said yes.

Mind you, I didn’t even own a swimming suit. So I had to buy two as fast as possible ’cause we were leaving in three days.

I wanted one-piece suits, everyone was like ‘you’re young, get a bikini’. I did not get bikinis, probably the only thing that went my way.

I hate waxing, my aunt did my legs, but I can see every single hair that she missed and she missed a lot. My skin always gets red and irritated. I usually use an epilator after which it’s even worse but at least I do it myself and get every hair. I thought this would last longer and be done quicker. Nope.
And I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with leg hair. I don’t wax my arms, I’m completely fine with the hair there.

I’m also a very picky eater, as you could have probably guessed by now. I was quite afraid regarding the food, but I got it figured out and I was ready for the trip.

All that was left was to prepare mentally.

I will end the first part here as it got unexpectedly long. There will probably be two more parts and I’ll try to update as soon as possible. I am writing everything as it happens, and I think the second part will be up after I return from Athens, so probably on Sunday.

Is It Back? Or Is It Just a One-Time Thing?

So, it’s been a long time since I last updated. Mostly because there were no major issues.

These ‘episodes’ are mostly caused by some sort of obsession.

During high school I was really into F1. And I was so nervous to watch it, every Saturday and Sunday, sometimes even Friday, I felt really really sick, and had to throw up. Sometimes it happened even when it wasn’t a race weekend. Sometimes it happened when someone just mentioned it. I’m still not sure what it was about. I think I was really scared that something bad was gonna happen.

Anyway, that was happening for at least 2 years. But as a started college, it went away, partly because I couldn’t watch it, ’cause there was no TV. And now after a couple of years, I am able to watch it again. Maybe not completely in peace, I do still get minor anxiety, but not that I have to throw up.

And then for a really long time I managed not to let myself get obsessed over things I have no control over.

Until last fall that is. I started watching this show that updated daily. In the beginning, it was fine, I followed along occasionally, not every day, but when I had time. And then I made the mistake of going through the tumblr tag.

There were all these theories and I just couldn’t take it anymore. And there was a particular clip last December that completely wrecked me. I just read people’s reactions to it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Maybe if I had seen it, my brain would have realised that it wasn’t that bad.

But no, I had a major panic attack, I threw up, missed classes the next day, because I couldn’t travel for 2 hours and sit in a classroom because I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t eat, I basically didn’t even leave my bed.

And that was the beginning of the two worst weeks of my life. I avoided everything that had anything to do with it, their website and tumblr. I rarely went online at all because I was scared something was gonna pop up. I tried to get my mind of it, by binge watching other shows, but nothing worked. I tried watching silly comedies before bed to relax me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I tried to rationally explain to myself that it’s a show, it’s not real, it’s not happening to me, but I just couldn’t get my body to comply. I felt so week during that time, I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t do anything without thinking about it. In the shower, while travelling, while reading, while studying, while trying to sleep, and it kept making me sick.

And in two weeks, the show ended, and magically, my anxiety disappeared. Just like with F1, as soon as the race is over, I am able to eat and function normally.

It took me a while to actually watch it and be relaxed when watching it, but I got there.

There was an unrelated anxiety episode in January, but oddly enough, also tumblr-related, and after that I quit it for about 2 months. And finally felt okay again. No negativity proved to be very relaxing. I mean, I still had minor depressive episodes, but nothing longer than a day, and that usual anxiety before some important things in my life. But I managed to do a job interview and a presentation without feeling that nauseous.

Anyway, that show returned for another season, and I didn’t even realise until there were already 3 or 4 episodes out, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue it or not. I decided to do it, and actually managed to watch it with no problems. I even got back on tumblr. Big mistake again. People there are so angry about everything that doesn’t go their way. And I’m the idiot that keeps going back. I always thought I’d be able to leave a toxic relationship but I’m failing yet again. There are so many theories and I’ve realised that is what actually messes with my head the most. We have no control over it, but there are so many options and ways for it to unfold.

Anyway, back to the show. Now they are releasing clips from the last episode ever, and I barely slept last night, I woke up at 6, shaking and nauseous again. Sometimes I think I’ll feel better if I just throw up, but then at the same time, I’ll feel the consequences throughout the day. But feeling sick is the worst. I just want them to publish it as soon as possible so that it doesn’t ruin my whole day. If they publish it in the evening, I won’t get any work done today.

While writing this, I felt slightly better, like I was working through it, but as I reach the end of this post, I feel it coming back. And I really don’t understand why I let myself do this.

I feel weird about going to a therapist, mostly because most of them here are 60-year-old men who have no idea what these shows are, what tumblr is, and I don’t see a way of connecting and being able to tell them the full story. And sometimes I feel like people have much bigger issues than me and my stupid, show-obsessed brain.

Anyway, I know this feels silly, and I’m considering turning off the comments because they can actually make me feel worse.

Kindergarten

As a child I wasn’t like this. I wasn’t this much of an introvert. I wasn’t this shy. I wasn’t this anxious.

I had a lot of friends when I was three or four, and plenty in kindergarten.

But kindergarten was also the first I remember some sort of conflict. I had lost a bracelet. It wasn’t a big deal, it was plastic. Still, when it was found, a girl I considered a friend said it was hers and took it. I think we stopped being friends after that.

I also have a weird recollection of an incident, I don’t know if it’s related to the bracelet, or if someone hit me, but I remember having to hold up a spoon to my face so it would cool down.

Also I remember having crushes in kindergarten. At least one boy, maybe two.

Travelling

Lately, I’ve started feeling very nervous before every trip. I always used to travel from my hometown to the city for uni by train. And there were usually no problems. I did hate it and travelled only like once a month.

But now I have to go every Saturday for classes. And recently I’ve started thinking about the trip a few days before and already anticipating how I would feel. I start planning where I would like to sit, if there is space for me to choose. I envy the people who can just get on a train/bus/whatever and just not think about it.

Also now during winter, they overheat it and I just feel bad from the warmth.

But the biggest problem is my head, because I convince myself that I will be sick. I think the problem is that I have no distractions. It lasts for three hours for some reason. You can get there in an hour and a half by car or bus. And then I really don’t know what to do and how to distract myself from thinking about it. Usually when I travel with someone, we talk and I get distracted enough for my brain to stop.

My mouth get dry and I feel my stomach turning and turning. Sometimes I feel like throwing up and sometimes I feel like I have to run to the toilet because I have diarrhea.

I’m on a train right now and I hope this will help. I really try not thinking about it and people keep saying ‘just convince yourself you’re okay’. But it really is not that easy.