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It’s my birthday today.

I’m not one for celebrations. We usually just have our family over for lunch or dinner, and that one friend that I still keep in touch with from high school (the one from the Greece story).

They always get sentimental and try to talk about when I was born or a toddler. That really annoys me, because even though I pretend to be all cold and not care, these stories make me cry for some reason. (I’m assuming it’s the depression.)

This year, however, I decided to go back to my Uni city, and spend time with some other friends. We’ll go see a ballet in the evening.

I do have some other obligations there, as well. I have to go deal with some stuff at Uni on Friday and we have a work thing on Saturday.

Not sure why, but I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept twisting and turning, and just overthinking everything, even though there’s nothing to overthink. I was awake until at least 3.

I kinda wanted to squeeze in a hair salon visit while I’m there. That was where I first dyed my hair blond, and I kept it up back home, even went for greyish, but I think that my regular hairdresser can’t actually do what I’m asking. My colour now is a mix or grey and kinda dark gold or something and I hate it. I just want it to be all grey. But that means I have to contact that person soon if I want an appointment tomorrow. I hate talking to people. Plus, if I wash my hair today, will the dye work tomorrow?

Also, today I’m travelling by some new bus and that also makes me kinda nervous.

I woke up really nauseous, but I do feel that just writing it out here kinda helps. Not completely over it, but it’s better than keeping it all inside.

Might be full of mistakes, but not really going to edit it. I’m still in bed and should probably get up.

The picture is really ironic, is it not?

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My Trip to Greece, Part 5

I am probably going to rush through this, but I need to finish it.

The day after the storm, it was still kinda drizzling and it was much colder. We stayed in in the morning, but around noon it was kinda better, so we went out. We went to get some souvenirs. I didn’t want just magnets, ’cause, honestly, they weren’t anything special. I got some ashtrays, a candle holder and a figurine of a lighthouse.

Then we went to eat, and I decided to try gyros but I hate onions and sauces. I thought that maybe I could get just the meat and the fries, but unfortunately no, ’cause they ordered it wrapped and not on the plate. So I just ate some meat and fries that weren’t touched by the sauce.

Later, she went out swimming and decide to go out that night, ‘to celebrate the last day’. I didn’t feel like it, and stayed in the room and packed my suitcase. I heard them come back around one, I think, but they just got some clothes and went back out.

On Thursday, we had to leave the room by nine. So we got up before eight, got ready, packed what we had left, cleaned the room a bit, and then we left. The thing is, we weren’t leaving until at least half past four.

So we went to the store, got what we needed for the ride home and then went to the beach. Those friends came by again, I kinda talked to them. I do feel like they just kept making fun of me, because I just sat there, didn’t go into the water, or to parties. I don’t care, it’s my life, I’ll do what I want, but it still uncomfortable to just sit there and feel them judging you.

Around two, we had to go transport out luggage to the bus, we got some more food (this I actually enjoyed – some cheese type of dough) and waited for the bus. We left around four. I instantly felt uncomfortable and I took a pill. And then the guys that we’re sitting next to us started talking to my friend and teasing her. We were laughing for ten minutes straight, which didn’t help with the nausea – it made it worse. Also, I don’t like talking to strangers on trains, buses, whatever, it makes me uncomfortable and I think about the sickness even more, not sure why that it.

That was for about 40 minutes, but they calmed down after a bit, thankfully. We had a ferry ride, for about an hour. It first made me feel even worse, but then I calmed down completely. I finally felt ready for the rest of the trip.

The bus broke down.

Yes, while it was exiting the ferry, something went wrong. I really thought my anxiety was going to do me in. We had to wait for an hour or more to get it fixed. However, I felt nothing. It was like, ‘okay, this is happening.’ And I’m glad I didn’t panic, I don’t know if I would have been able to calm down.

I’m just thankful that it happened while there was practically no one on the bus. I don’t even want to imagine what could have happened to a full bus on the road.

Somehow, they got it fixed in under half an hour and we were off again.

The guy sitting next to me wanted to talk to my friend, so we switched places, and I got to sit next to the window. That calmed me down instantly, even though I did take another pill when we got on the bus after the break.

I was trying to sleep, but they kept talking. Nature outside was enough to keep me occupied.

Soon after, we reached the border, then we had a break. I think I slept for at least two hours, but when I woke up, I was so cold. The AC was too strong and there was no way for me to turn it down. I had some light pants on, and I couldn’t get myself warm. Plus, I started getting leg cramps. It was awful. I can’t move, I’m trying to warm myself up, and I’m super sleepy. And every time, as I start falling asleep again, my legs twitch and a new cycle begins.

Thankfully, we reached our border, so we got out, it was also cold outside, but at least I could stretch a bit. We had a longer break. When we came back, I took a sleeping pill. I slept from around 2.40 to around six in the morning. I was still cold and twitchy, but much less, so it was okay. Plus, the guy next to me traded places with some girl, so it was nice and quiet.

It was kind of weird that me and my friend were separated during most of the ride, but I actually think that was a good thing.

That’s it, we got back around half past seven. They had a brother pick them up to take them home. I decided not to go home right away, and stayed with some friends until Sunday.

I feel like I should summarise, so here:

  • I do not regret it.
  • It was an experience.
  • There were good things, like Athens, and me kinda not panicking over everything.
  • Some bad things, like not agreeing on things.
  • I think she understands now, to some extent, that I am not the person to call next time.
  • I know it’s my depression that’s keeping me away from most things.
  • I will keep saving money to travel with some other friends, maybe visit Scandinavia.

i will probably come back and edit this, but i’m too tired now, just felt like it needed an ending

Drafts

I have so many drafts but I can never find the time to finish them.

I started writing about family issues and moving out, then I wanted to talk about sexuality, and relationships in general, but still nothing.

Hopefully, I get to it after my trip.

However, as I am leaving for Greece tomorrow, I will try to post something about anxiety, travelling and not actually wanting to go travelling, later today.

Job

I’ve recently started working as a proofreader. I work from home and have control over my work hours. I go over 5 to 6 thousand words per day.

Some days are great and I get everything done fairly quickly.

But some days, like today, are pretty awful.

I don’t understand how some of these people are allowed to write these texts. I think they didn’t go through any copywriting training and just did some test to get the job.

I start reading and have absolutely no idea what they are trying to say. I lose so much time going through references and the internet in general, just trying to find out the meaning of a single sentence. I feel like they also have no idea what they wanted to write.

And as I am a nervous mess, and somewhat of a perfectionist, I can’t let these awful copies go out like that. I don’t want to be responsible for that chaos. So sometimes I spend 10 hours trying to fix their incompetence.

And I just went through a mild panic attack because I had two bad texts in a row and I can’t figure out how to fix them. I just left them for later, but I’ll have to do them eventually and I’m already dreading the moment.

Of course, that ruined the day for me already and I still have six other texts to go through. I really don’t know how to deal with this and how to focus.

Plus, I’m on my period and it’s like 40 degrees.

Is It Back? Or Is It Just a One-Time Thing?

So, it’s been a long time since I last updated. Mostly because there were no major issues.

These ‘episodes’ are mostly caused by some sort of obsession.

During high school I was really into F1. And I was so nervous to watch it, every Saturday and Sunday, sometimes even Friday, I felt really really sick, and had to throw up. Sometimes it happened even when it wasn’t a race weekend. Sometimes it happened when someone just mentioned it. I’m still not sure what it was about. I think I was really scared that something bad was gonna happen.

Anyway, that was happening for at least 2 years. But as a started college, it went away, partly because I couldn’t watch it, ’cause there was no TV. And now after a couple of years, I am able to watch it again. Maybe not completely in peace, I do still get minor anxiety, but not that I have to throw up.

And then for a really long time I managed not to let myself get obsessed over things I have no control over.

Until last fall that is. I started watching this show that updated daily. In the beginning, it was fine, I followed along occasionally, not every day, but when I had time. And then I made the mistake of going through the tumblr tag.

There were all these theories and I just couldn’t take it anymore. And there was a particular clip last December that completely wrecked me. I just read people’s reactions to it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Maybe if I had seen it, my brain would have realised that it wasn’t that bad.

But no, I had a major panic attack, I threw up, missed classes the next day, because I couldn’t travel for 2 hours and sit in a classroom because I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t eat, I basically didn’t even leave my bed.

And that was the beginning of the two worst weeks of my life. I avoided everything that had anything to do with it, their website and tumblr. I rarely went online at all because I was scared something was gonna pop up. I tried to get my mind of it, by binge watching other shows, but nothing worked. I tried watching silly comedies before bed to relax me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I tried to rationally explain to myself that it’s a show, it’s not real, it’s not happening to me, but I just couldn’t get my body to comply. I felt so week during that time, I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t do anything without thinking about it. In the shower, while travelling, while reading, while studying, while trying to sleep, and it kept making me sick.

And in two weeks, the show ended, and magically, my anxiety disappeared. Just like with F1, as soon as the race is over, I am able to eat and function normally.

It took me a while to actually watch it and be relaxed when watching it, but I got there.

There was an unrelated anxiety episode in January, but oddly enough, also tumblr-related, and after that I quit it for about 2 months. And finally felt okay again. No negativity proved to be very relaxing. I mean, I still had minor depressive episodes, but nothing longer than a day, and that usual anxiety before some important things in my life. But I managed to do a job interview and a presentation without feeling that nauseous.

Anyway, that show returned for another season, and I didn’t even realise until there were already 3 or 4 episodes out, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue it or not. I decided to do it, and actually managed to watch it with no problems. I even got back on tumblr. Big mistake again. People there are so angry about everything that doesn’t go their way. And I’m the idiot that keeps going back. I always thought I’d be able to leave a toxic relationship but I’m failing yet again. There are so many theories and I’ve realised that is what actually messes with my head the most. We have no control over it, but there are so many options and ways for it to unfold.

Anyway, back to the show. Now they are releasing clips from the last episode ever, and I barely slept last night, I woke up at 6, shaking and nauseous again. Sometimes I think I’ll feel better if I just throw up, but then at the same time, I’ll feel the consequences throughout the day. But feeling sick is the worst. I just want them to publish it as soon as possible so that it doesn’t ruin my whole day. If they publish it in the evening, I won’t get any work done today.

While writing this, I felt slightly better, like I was working through it, but as I reach the end of this post, I feel it coming back. And I really don’t understand why I let myself do this.

I feel weird about going to a therapist, mostly because most of them here are 60-year-old men who have no idea what these shows are, what tumblr is, and I don’t see a way of connecting and being able to tell them the full story. And sometimes I feel like people have much bigger issues than me and my stupid, show-obsessed brain.

Anyway, I know this feels silly, and I’m considering turning off the comments because they can actually make me feel worse.

Presentation Done

So, there was no need to worry. We got 10/10. And that’s 40% of the final grade.

She didn’t interrupt us at all, only when she needed to add an example of her own for something. I was reading most of it, she didn’t really care, didn’t even mention it.

And the most unexpected thing happened. I wasn’t really nervous. I usually start shaking, or feeling nauseous, but I was completely fine. A bit of stage fright but nothing too serious. Maybe I am slowly getting better.

Job

So I didn’t get that job. 

I felt less nervous than I thought I would going there. The interview went well, but they said that there were a few more candidates, and they will let me know later.

I didn’t really feel nervous after it, because it was out of my hands. There was nothing I did wrong, I did well on the written part and I looked completely normal during the interview.

However, they let me know a few hours later that they went with someone else, but will keep my info in case they need someone again soon.

So, all in all, it was stressful, but I think I won’t lose sleep over it. At least I tried.

It just kinda sucks, because I already started planning where I’m going to live, and how I’m going to travel, and how I’ll start going to the gym