Drafts

I have so many drafts but I can never find the time to finish them.

I started writing about family issues and moving out, then I wanted to talk about sexuality, and relationships in general, but still nothing.

Hopefully, I get to it after my trip.

However, as I am leaving for Greece tomorrow, I will try to post something about anxiety, travelling and not actually wanting to go travelling, later today.

Job

I’ve recently started working as a proofreader. I work from home and have control over my work hours. I go over 5 to 6 thousand words per day.

Some days are great and I get everything done fairly quickly.

But some days, like today, are pretty awful.

I don’t understand how some of these people are allowed to write these texts. I think they didn’t go through any copywriting training and just did some test to get the job.

I start reading and have absolutely no idea what they are trying to say. I lose so much time going through references and the internet in general, just trying to find out the meaning of a single sentence. I feel like they also have no idea what they wanted to write.

And as I am a nervous mess, and somewhat of a perfectionist, I can’t let these awful copies go out like that. I don’t want to be responsible for that chaos. So sometimes I spend 10 hours trying to fix their incompetence.

And I just went through a mild panic attack because I had two bad texts in a row and I can’t figure out how to fix them. I just left them for later, but I’ll have to do them eventually and I’m already dreading the moment.

Of course, that ruined the day for me already and I still have six other texts to go through. I really don’t know how to deal with this and how to focus.

Plus, I’m on my period and it’s like 40 degrees.

Is It Back? Or Is It Just a One-Time Thing?

So, it’s been a long time since I last updated. Mostly because there were no major issues.

These ‘episodes’ are mostly caused by some sort of obsession.

During high school I was really into F1. And I was so nervous to watch it, every Saturday and Sunday, sometimes even Friday, I felt really really sick, and had to throw up. Sometimes it happened even when it wasn’t a race weekend. Sometimes it happened when someone just mentioned it. I’m still not sure what it was about. I think I was really scared that something bad was gonna happen.

Anyway, that was happening for at least 2 years. But as a started college, it went away, partly because I couldn’t watch it, ’cause there was no TV. And now after a couple of years, I am able to watch it again. Maybe not completely in peace, I do still get minor anxiety, but not that I have to throw up.

And then for a really long time I managed not to let myself get obsessed over things I have no control over.

Until last fall that is. I started watching this show that updated daily. In the beginning, it was fine, I followed along occasionally, not every day, but when I had time. And then I made the mistake of going through the tumblr tag.

There were all these theories and I just couldn’t take it anymore. And there was a particular clip last December that completely wrecked me. I just read people’s reactions to it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Maybe if I had seen it, my brain would have realised that it wasn’t that bad.

But no, I had a major panic attack, I threw up, missed classes the next day, because I couldn’t travel for 2 hours and sit in a classroom because I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t eat, I basically didn’t even leave my bed.

And that was the beginning of the two worst weeks of my life. I avoided everything that had anything to do with it, their website and tumblr. I rarely went online at all because I was scared something was gonna pop up. I tried to get my mind of it, by binge watching other shows, but nothing worked. I tried watching silly comedies before bed to relax me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I tried to rationally explain to myself that it’s a show, it’s not real, it’s not happening to me, but I just couldn’t get my body to comply. I felt so week during that time, I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t do anything without thinking about it. In the shower, while travelling, while reading, while studying, while trying to sleep, and it kept making me sick.

And in two weeks, the show ended, and magically, my anxiety disappeared. Just like with F1, as soon as the race is over, I am able to eat and function normally.

It took me a while to actually watch it and be relaxed when watching it, but I got there.

There was an unrelated anxiety episode in January, but oddly enough, also tumblr-related, and after that I quit it for about 2 months. And finally felt okay again. No negativity proved to be very relaxing. I mean, I still had minor depressive episodes, but nothing longer than a day, and that usual anxiety before some important things in my life. But I managed to do a job interview and a presentation without feeling that nauseous.

Anyway, that show returned for another season, and I didn’t even realise until there were already 3 or 4 episodes out, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue it or not. I decided to do it, and actually managed to watch it with no problems. I even got back on tumblr. Big mistake again. People there are so angry about everything that doesn’t go their way. And I’m the idiot that keeps going back. I always thought I’d be able to leave a toxic relationship but I’m failing yet again. There are so many theories and I’ve realised that is what actually messes with my head the most. We have no control over it, but there are so many options and ways for it to unfold.

Anyway, back to the show. Now they are releasing clips from the last episode ever, and I barely slept last night, I woke up at 6, shaking and nauseous again. Sometimes I think I’ll feel better if I just throw up, but then at the same time, I’ll feel the consequences throughout the day. But feeling sick is the worst. I just want them to publish it as soon as possible so that it doesn’t ruin my whole day. If they publish it in the evening, I won’t get any work done today.

While writing this, I felt slightly better, like I was working through it, but as I reach the end of this post, I feel it coming back. And I really don’t understand why I let myself do this.

I feel weird about going to a therapist, mostly because most of them here are 60-year-old men who have no idea what these shows are, what tumblr is, and I don’t see a way of connecting and being able to tell them the full story. And sometimes I feel like people have much bigger issues than me and my stupid, show-obsessed brain.

Anyway, I know this feels silly, and I’m considering turning off the comments because they can actually make me feel worse.

Presentation Done

So, there was no need to worry. We got 10/10. And that’s 40% of the final grade.

She didn’t interrupt us at all, only when she needed to add an example of her own for something. I was reading most of it, she didn’t really care, didn’t even mention it.

And the most unexpected thing happened. I wasn’t really nervous. I usually start shaking, or feeling nauseous, but I was completely fine. A bit of stage fright but nothing too serious. Maybe I am slowly getting better.

Job

So I didn’t get that job. 

I felt less nervous than I thought I would going there. The interview went well, but they said that there were a few more candidates, and they will let me know later.

I didn’t really feel nervous after it, because it was out of my hands. There was nothing I did wrong, I did well on the written part and I looked completely normal during the interview.

However, they let me know a few hours later that they went with someone else, but will keep my info in case they need someone again soon.

So, all in all, it was stressful, but I think I won’t lose sleep over it. At least I tried.

It just kinda sucks, because I already started planning where I’m going to live, and how I’m going to travel, and how I’ll start going to the gym

Applying for a Job

A week ago I sent my CV not really knowing what to expect. I applied for the same position before I finished uni and was not contacted about it. This time I got a return e-mail, asking me to do a test and they’ll be in touch, and today they told me they’d like to conduct an interview because I did well on the test.

Now, I do not live in the city anymore, but I go there for uni on weekends, I wrote about this earlier, and was thinking about moving full-time if I found a job. And as I wrote earlier, I get very nervous about travelling, and this weekend, the added stress will really do me in.

I was going to travel on Friday afternoon and finally I thought I got my head straight, but now I have to travel in the morning and will probably not sleep again.

I wasn’t really sleeping well these past few days, I don’t know if it’s because of the job, or if I’m just tired of the same old routine.

I am looking forward to moving, so I don’t have to think about the three hours train rides and not knowing what to do with my brain.

But all in all, I will probably get there out of breath, nauseous, dehydrated, and shaking. I don’t know should I just straight out say that I’m a very nervous person and not very good with people, and that is exactly why this job is good for me, because you do everything in an office, on a laptop, or just pretend to be normal.

I just somewhat wish I had someone to travel with, someone to calm me down before the interview, someone, just someone…

this wasn’t that much about applying but just generally about everything happening right now

Kindergarten

As a child I wasn’t like this. I wasn’t this much of an introvert. I wasn’t this shy. I wasn’t this anxious.

I had a lot of friends when I was three or four, and plenty in kindergarten.

But kindergarten was also the first I remember some sort of conflict. I had lost a bracelet. It wasn’t a big deal, it was plastic. Still, when it was found, a girl I considered a friend said it was hers and took it. I think we stopped being friends after that.

I also have a weird recollection of an incident, I don’t know if it’s related to the bracelet, or if┬ásomeone hit me, but I remember having to hold up a spoon to my face so it would cool down.

Also I remember having crushes in kindergarten. At least one boy, maybe two.