Job

So I didn’t get that job. 

I felt less nervous than I thought I would going there. The interview went well, but they said that there were a few more candidates, and they will let me know later.

I didn’t really feel nervous after it, because it was out of my hands. There was nothing I did wrong, I did well on the written part and I looked completely normal during the interview.

However, they let me know a few hours later that they went with someone else, but will keep my info in case they need someone again soon.

So, all in all, it was stressful, but I think I won’t lose sleep over it. At least I tried.

It just kinda sucks, because I already started planning where I’m going to live, and how I’m going to travel, and how I’ll start going to the gym

Applying for a Job

A week ago I sent my CV not really knowing what to expect. I applied for the same position before I finished uni and was not contacted about it. This time I got a return e-mail, asking me to do a test and they’ll be in touch, and today they told me they’d like to conduct an interview because I did well on the test.

Now, I do not live in the city anymore, but I go there for uni on weekends, I wrote about this earlier, and was thinking about moving full-time if I found a job. And as I wrote earlier, I get very nervous about travelling, and this weekend, the added stress will really do me in.

I was going to travel on Friday afternoon and finally I thought I got my head straight, but now I have to travel in the morning and will probably not sleep again.

I wasn’t really sleeping well these past few days, I don’t know if it’s because of the job, or if I’m just tired of the same old routine.

I am looking forward to moving, so I don’t have to think about the three hours train rides and not knowing what to do with my brain.

But all in all, I will probably get there out of breath, nauseous, dehydrated, and shaking. I don’t know should I just straight out say that I’m a very nervous person and not very good with people, and that is exactly why this job is good for me, because you do everything in an office, on a laptop, or just pretend to be normal.

I just somewhat wish I had someone to travel with, someone to calm me down before the interview, someone, just someone…

this wasn’t that much about applying but just generally about everything happening right now

Kindergarten

As a child I wasn’t like this. I wasn’t this much of an introvert. I wasn’t this shy. I wasn’t this anxious.

I had a lot of friends when I was three or four, and plenty in kindergarten.

But kindergarten was also the first I remember some sort of conflict. I had lost a bracelet. It wasn’t a big deal, it was plastic. Still, when it was found, a girl I considered a friend said it was hers and took it. I think we stopped being friends after that.

I also have a weird recollection of an incident, I don’t know if it’s related to the bracelet, or if┬ásomeone hit me, but I remember having to hold up a spoon to my face so it would cool down.

Also I remember having crushes in kindergarten. At least one boy, maybe two.

Travelling

Lately, I’ve started feeling very nervous before every trip. I always used to travel from my hometown to the city for uni by train. And there were usually no problems. I did hate it and travelled only like once a month.

But now I have to go every Saturday for classes. And recently I’ve started thinking about the trip a few days before and already anticipating how I would feel. I start planning where I would like to sit, if there is space for me to choose. I envy the people who can just get on a train/bus/whatever and just not think about it.

Also now during winter, they overheat it and I just feel bad from the warmth.

But the biggest problem is my head, because I convince myself that I will be sick. I think the problem is that I have no distractions. It lasts for three hours for some reason. You can get there in an hour and a half by car or bus. And then I really don’t know what to do and how to distract myself from thinking about it. Usually when I travel with someone, we talk and I get distracted enough for my brain to stop.

My mouth get dry and I feel my stomach turning and turning. Sometimes I feel like throwing up and sometimes I feel like I have to run to the toilet because I have diarrhea.

I’m on a train right now and I hope this will help. I really try not thinking about it and people keep saying ‘just convince yourself you’re okay’. But it really is not that easy.