Starting My Meds

Yesterday, I finally went to see a doctor, and she, expectedly, concluded that I do have anxiety and depression.

She gave me some meds and I started taking them today. (Literally, half an hour ago.)

I’m supposed to take half a pill a day for a week and then start taking the whole thing. And there’s a check-up in about a month and a half.

I have no idea the effect it’s going to have. No idea about the sideeffects either.

A bit scared that I won’t be able to sleep, or that I’ll be nauseous. Guess we’ll see soon.

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Late ‘Resolutions’

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I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions, and I don’t consider this to be that. I don’t feel like I need it make a list of things to do, because I tend to overthink everything anyway.

However, I just want to write everything down and reflect on my year later. My biggest goal this year is to work on my mental health and, for some reason, I think this could be a good starting point.

  1. Visit the doctor, start taking meds.

    I found a doctor, now I just need to make an appointment. I have no idea what effect the meds could have, but I think I’m finally ready and in need of a change.

  2. Start working out.

    Not necessarily at the gym, but at least, start running every evening for 20 minutes, or actually use the pilates ball that I bought. My back and my joints are in terrible shape, and I feel something bad is coming if I don’t start moving around. Also, I lose my breath extremely quickly.

  3. Move out.

    I’ve been living at home almost two years now. It felt so different when I was away at college. Now I’m just stuck in my room because I have no friends here, and stuck cooking for my family (when mom’s at work), and I hate it, I think I’ve never hated anything as much as I hate cooking.

  4. Get my Master’s Degree.

    I have one exam left, but it’s a paper that I have to write and I honestly don’t know where to start. And then I “just” have to do my Master’s thesis.

  5. Travel.

    Ok, this is something that’s definitely gonna happen, ’cause I already paid a third of the trip. We’re going to visit Scandinavia, and I’m excited and terrified at the same time.

  6. Be less nervous and overthink less.

    This is probably the hardest thing I’ll have to do. But I’m hoping the meds will have at least some effect on this. I’ve been very scared of travelling lately and I hate it. I want to experience and see new things, but at the same time, my brain’s not letting me.

I keep thinking there was another thing I wanted to add to this, but I just can’t remember (I might add it later).

There are some things that I’m super scared of and probably won’t do, like driving a car (even though I have a licence). But for some reason, I think that I’ll have a different approach to life in general after I start taking meds. And I feel like this is a huge misconception and I really, really don’t know what to expect. But I guess I’ll find out once I make the appointment.

I really hate putting things out there, I feel like as soon as I say something, the world’s gonna try to spite me. I barely told anyone about Scandinavia, ’cause I don’t want to jinx it. And I wrote this really quickly, ’cause I haven’t been here in forever, and I didn’t want to forget to do it again.

Job Update

While I still haven’t heard anything about the job I mentioned before, I did apply for another one a few days ago and they already got back to me, tested me and offered me some work.

However, I am not quite sure what to expect. I don’t really like the method of communication and am not sure about the payments and keeping track of the assignments.

They told me they pay over PayPal but I’m still highly suspicious. I’ll try it this week and then we’ll see. Maybe I won’t even have enough time because of the proofreading job.

Another Job Application

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I have written before about my job applications and how they went. And today, I applied for something else.

I have been working as a proofreader for about six months now, and I’m not unsatisfied with the job itself. The problem is the low salary. As I am working only part-time, the paycheck varies every month. The most I got so far was about 170 Euros, but some months, it’s not even a hundred.

For a part-time job, it’s not bad, I guess. I have no previous experience to compare it to, but it is literally just a side income if you have a regular job. I do not, however.

I get paid one Euro for every text I revise. It would not be a problem if I spent three hours on it daily, and had time to do something else, but some texts are so badly-written that I end up spending more than eight hours on it. And that does not pay off.

I talked to a friend, who is a content writer for the same company, and it turns out that she earns over 500 Euros a month, for five hours of work per day.

So, I found an agency looking for a content writer and applied. Writing the cover letter was a bit tricky, and it feels a bit strange applying for a competitor, but I don’t think that my current employer would let me switch jobs.

I’m not really confident in my writing skills because I feel like I cannot really write a lot about a certain subject. I also think that might be difficult to write about the same topics in 20 different ways in 20 different texts, but I feel like I have to try and put myself out there in order to earn more.

They asked if we had any experience or if we have a blog, but I feel like this is too personal to include. And I do not consider this type of writing creative writing, and I’m pretty sure I suck at this, too. This is just a way for me to collect my thoughts and actually avoid talking to people about it.

After thinking it over for a couple of days, I finally applied a couple of minutes ago, and I’m kinda panicking right now, but it will go away. Not really sure what to expect or whether I’ll get any feedback, but at least I tried, right?

24

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It’s my birthday today.

I’m not one for celebrations. We usually just have our family over for lunch or dinner, and that one friend that I still keep in touch with from high school (the one from the Greece story).

They always get sentimental and try to talk about when I was born or a toddler. That really annoys me, because even though I pretend to be all cold and not care, these stories make me cry for some reason. (I’m assuming it’s the depression.)

This year, however, I decided to go back to my Uni city, and spend time with some other friends. We’ll go see a ballet in the evening.

I do have some other obligations there, as well. I have to go deal with some stuff at Uni on Friday and we have a work thing on Saturday.

Not sure why, but I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept twisting and turning, and just overthinking everything, even though there’s nothing to overthink. I was awake until at least 3.

I kinda wanted to squeeze in a hair salon visit while I’m there. That was where I first dyed my hair blond, and I kept it up back home, even went for greyish, but I think that my regular hairdresser can’t actually do what I’m asking. My colour now is a mix or grey and kinda dark gold or something and I hate it. I just want it to be all grey. But that means I have to contact that person soon if I want an appointment tomorrow. I hate talking to people. Plus, if I wash my hair today, will the dye work tomorrow?

Also, today I’m travelling by some new bus and that also makes me kinda nervous.

I woke up really nauseous, but I do feel that just writing it out here kinda helps. Not completely over it, but it’s better than keeping it all inside.

Might be full of mistakes, but not really going to edit it. I’m still in bed and should probably get up.

The picture is really ironic, is it not?

My Trip to Greece, Part 5

I am probably going to rush through this, but I need to finish it.

The day after the storm, it was still kinda drizzling and it was much colder. We stayed in in the morning, but around noon it was kinda better, so we went out. We went to get some souvenirs. I didn’t want just magnets, ’cause, honestly, they weren’t anything special. I got some ashtrays, a candle holder and a figurine of a lighthouse.

Then we went to eat, and I decided to try gyros but I hate onions and sauces. I thought that maybe I could get just the meat and the fries, but unfortunately no, ’cause they ordered it wrapped and not on the plate. So I just ate some meat and fries that weren’t touched by the sauce.

Later, she went out swimming and decide to go out that night, ‘to celebrate the last day’. I didn’t feel like it, and stayed in the room and packed my suitcase. I heard them come back around one, I think, but they just got some clothes and went back out.

On Thursday, we had to leave the room by nine. So we got up before eight, got ready, packed what we had left, cleaned the room a bit, and then we left. The thing is, we weren’t leaving until at least half past four.

So we went to the store, got what we needed for the ride home and then went to the beach. Those friends came by again, I kinda talked to them. I do feel like they just kept making fun of me, because I just sat there, didn’t go into the water, or to parties. I don’t care, it’s my life, I’ll do what I want, but it still uncomfortable to just sit there and feel them judging you.

Around two, we had to go transport out luggage to the bus, we got some more food (this I actually enjoyed – some cheese type of dough) and waited for the bus. We left around four. I instantly felt uncomfortable and I took a pill. And then the guys that we’re sitting next to us started talking to my friend and teasing her. We were laughing for ten minutes straight, which didn’t help with the nausea – it made it worse. Also, I don’t like talking to strangers on trains, buses, whatever, it makes me uncomfortable and I think about the sickness even more, not sure why that it.

That was for about 40 minutes, but they calmed down after a bit, thankfully. We had a ferry ride, for about an hour. It first made me feel even worse, but then I calmed down completely. I finally felt ready for the rest of the trip.

The bus broke down.

Yes, while it was exiting the ferry, something went wrong. I really thought my anxiety was going to do me in. We had to wait for an hour or more to get it fixed. However, I felt nothing. It was like, ‘okay, this is happening.’ And I’m glad I didn’t panic, I don’t know if I would have been able to calm down.

I’m just thankful that it happened while there was practically no one on the bus. I don’t even want to imagine what could have happened to a full bus on the road.

Somehow, they got it fixed in under half an hour and we were off again.

The guy sitting next to me wanted to talk to my friend, so we switched places, and I got to sit next to the window. That calmed me down instantly, even though I did take another pill when we got on the bus after the break.

I was trying to sleep, but they kept talking. Nature outside was enough to keep me occupied.

Soon after, we reached the border, then we had a break. I think I slept for at least two hours, but when I woke up, I was so cold. The AC was too strong and there was no way for me to turn it down. I had some light pants on, and I couldn’t get myself warm. Plus, I started getting leg cramps. It was awful. I can’t move, I’m trying to warm myself up, and I’m super sleepy. And every time, as I start falling asleep again, my legs twitch and a new cycle begins.

Thankfully, we reached our border, so we got out, it was also cold outside, but at least I could stretch a bit. We had a longer break. When we came back, I took a sleeping pill. I slept from around 2.40 to around six in the morning. I was still cold and twitchy, but much less, so it was okay. Plus, the guy next to me traded places with some girl, so it was nice and quiet.

It was kind of weird that me and my friend were separated during most of the ride, but I actually think that was a good thing.

That’s it, we got back around half past seven. They had a brother pick them up to take them home. I decided not to go home right away, and stayed with some friends until Sunday.

I feel like I should summarise, so here:

  • I do not regret it.
  • It was an experience.
  • There were good things, like Athens, and me kinda not panicking over everything.
  • Some bad things, like not agreeing on things.
  • I think she understands now, to some extent, that I am not the person to call next time.
  • I know it’s my depression that’s keeping me away from most things.
  • I will keep saving money to travel with some other friends, maybe visit Scandinavia.

i will probably come back and edit this, but i’m too tired now, just felt like it needed an ending

My Trip to Greece, Part 4

I know I’m late again, but I returned home later than expected and had plenty of work right away so I didn’t get a chance to write.

Anyway, back to the story.

They had such a good time on Saturday that they decided to go on another trip on Sunday. They were gone for most of the day and then the cousin returned around six without her. She decided to stay on the beach after their trip. She came back after eight.

Around ten she proclaimed that we’re going for a walk or drink or something; you never know with her.

I haven’t had dinner yet and I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. I really hate last-minute plans. Had she told me at eight, I would have prepared mentally and would have had no problems with it.

I said no, and around 10:30, 11 went to bed. She got super annoyed and started yelling how I never want to do anything and go anywhere. How I always have to ruin her plans and be contrary. They kept talking very loudly even though they saw me trying to sleep. Their phones were going off again. They still planned on going but then she gave up.

On Monday, I got up and was waiting for her to get ready so that I could get ready. I took my swimming suit and was about to change when she asked him specifically if he wants to go to the beach. And then on their way out, he asked if I was going. “Well, I wasn’t invited this time.”

I really couldn’t care less about the beach. I had more fun in the room anyway. I had a book, internet, crossword puzzles and it was not super hot. I only didn’t want us to have a stupid fight and not talk till the end of the vacation.

However, we did start talking again. She asked if I wanted to go out with the friends we met from back home and I said yes.

The problem with saying yes is that you soon come to regret it. She spent some time getting ready and then I went to the bathroom and thought she’ll be almost ready when I came out. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I was finished; she was still drying her hair, trying to change her Facebook photo, she was not dressed, no make-up. I can’t say I wasn’t used to it. But it’s very annoying when you are just sitting there, ready to go, and then you have to wait for another FORTY minutes.

We went, stayed for about two hours and got home. I felt like it was getting better again, we weren’t arguing, it was good.

On Tuesday, they expected a big storm. We went to the beach, and we were there almost the entire day, got back around six or seven. The wind was awful, it was very cold, but you just can’t stop her. She went back for a while.

She even planned to go for a walk in the evening. She got mad again when I said no, even though there was a storm coming.

It was raining, the wind was very violent, and there was thunder and lightning. And the cousin closed the terrace door and there was no air inside and it was super hot.

I went to bed, and tried to sleep but they just kept talking and talking, phones AGAIN and they were eating very loudly. She kept hitting the bed with her fist. Every time I was close to falling asleep, she would do it and just wake me up again. That went on for about an hour, but I didn’t want to sit up, or even talk to them (just out of spite). I heard them talking about me and wondering how I could sleep so much. (Depression, it does wonders!) (Also, pretending to sleep helps me avoid talking to you.)

She went to the bathroom, and without the constant hitting of the mattress, I finally fell asleep.

The last few days and the trip back will be up soon, hopefully until the end of the week.