Drafts

I have so many drafts but I can never find the time to finish them.

I started writing about family issues and moving out, then I wanted to talk about sexuality, and relationships in general, but still nothing.

Hopefully, I get to it after my trip.

However, as I am leaving for Greece tomorrow, I will try to post something about anxiety, travelling and not actually wanting to go travelling, later today.

Job

I’ve recently started working as a proofreader. I work from home and have control over my work hours. I go over 5 to 6 thousand words per day.

Some days are great and I get everything done fairly quickly.

But some days, like today, are pretty awful.

I don’t understand how some of these people are allowed to write these texts. I think they didn’t go through any copywriting training and just did some test to get the job.

I start reading and have absolutely no idea what they are trying to say. I lose so much time going through references and the internet in general, just trying to find out the meaning of a single sentence. I feel like they also have no idea what they wanted to write.

And as I am a nervous mess, and somewhat of a perfectionist, I can’t let these awful copies go out like that. I don’t want to be responsible for that chaos. So sometimes I spend 10 hours trying to fix their incompetence.

And I just went through a mild panic attack because I had two bad texts in a row and I can’t figure out how to fix them. I just left them for later, but I’ll have to do them eventually and I’m already dreading the moment.

Of course, that ruined the day for me already and I still have six other texts to go through. I really don’t know how to deal with this and how to focus.

Plus, I’m on my period and it’s like 40 degrees.

Is It Back? Or Is It Just a One-Time Thing?

So, it’s been a long time since I last updated. Mostly because there were no major issues.

These ‘episodes’ are mostly caused by some sort of obsession.

During high school I was really into F1. And I was so nervous to watch it, every Saturday and Sunday, sometimes even Friday, I felt really really sick, and had to throw up. Sometimes it happened even when it wasn’t a race weekend. Sometimes it happened when someone just mentioned it. I’m still not sure what it was about. I think I was really scared that something bad was gonna happen.

Anyway, that was happening for at least 2 years. But as a started college, it went away, partly because I couldn’t watch it, ’cause there was no TV. And now after a couple of years, I am able to watch it again. Maybe not completely in peace, I do still get minor anxiety, but not that I have to throw up.

And then for a really long time I managed not to let myself get obsessed over things I have no control over.

Until last fall that is. I started watching this show that updated daily. In the beginning, it was fine, I followed along occasionally, not every day, but when I had time. And then I made the mistake of going through the tumblr tag.

There were all these theories and I just couldn’t take it anymore. And there was a particular clip last December that completely wrecked me. I just read people’s reactions to it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Maybe if I had seen it, my brain would have realised that it wasn’t that bad.

But no, I had a major panic attack, I threw up, missed classes the next day, because I couldn’t travel for 2 hours and sit in a classroom because I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t eat, I basically didn’t even leave my bed.

And that was the beginning of the two worst weeks of my life. I avoided everything that had anything to do with it, their website and tumblr. I rarely went online at all because I was scared something was gonna pop up. I tried to get my mind of it, by binge watching other shows, but nothing worked. I tried watching silly comedies before bed to relax me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I tried to rationally explain to myself that it’s a show, it’s not real, it’s not happening to me, but I just couldn’t get my body to comply. I felt so week during that time, I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t do anything without thinking about it. In the shower, while travelling, while reading, while studying, while trying to sleep, and it kept making me sick.

And in two weeks, the show ended, and magically, my anxiety disappeared. Just like with F1, as soon as the race is over, I am able to eat and function normally.

It took me a while to actually watch it and be relaxed when watching it, but I got there.

There was an unrelated anxiety episode in January, but oddly enough, also tumblr-related, and after that I quit it for about 2 months. And finally felt okay again. No negativity proved to be very relaxing. I mean, I still had minor depressive episodes, but nothing longer than a day, and that usual anxiety before some important things in my life. But I managed to do a job interview and a presentation without feeling that nauseous.

Anyway, that show returned for another season, and I didn’t even realise until there were already 3 or 4 episodes out, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue it or not. I decided to do it, and actually managed to watch it with no problems. I even got back on tumblr. Big mistake again. People there are so angry about everything that doesn’t go their way. And I’m the idiot that keeps going back. I always thought I’d be able to leave a toxic relationship but I’m failing yet again. There are so many theories and I’ve realised that is what actually messes with my head the most. We have no control over it, but there are so many options and ways for it to unfold.

Anyway, back to the show. Now they are releasing clips from the last episode ever, and I barely slept last night, I woke up at 6, shaking and nauseous again. Sometimes I think I’ll feel better if I just throw up, but then at the same time, I’ll feel the consequences throughout the day. But feeling sick is the worst. I just want them to publish it as soon as possible so that it doesn’t ruin my whole day. If they publish it in the evening, I won’t get any work done today.

While writing this, I felt slightly better, like I was working through it, but as I reach the end of this post, I feel it coming back. And I really don’t understand why I let myself do this.

I feel weird about going to a therapist, mostly because most of them here are 60-year-old men who have no idea what these shows are, what tumblr is, and I don’t see a way of connecting and being able to tell them the full story. And sometimes I feel like people have much bigger issues than me and my stupid, show-obsessed brain.

Anyway, I know this feels silly, and I’m considering turning off the comments because they can actually make me feel worse.

Presentation Done

So, there was no need to worry. We got 10/10. And that’s 40% of the final grade.

She didn’t interrupt us at all, only when she needed to add an example of her own for something. I was reading most of it, she didn’t really care, didn’t even mention it.

And the most unexpected thing happened. I wasn’t really nervous. I usually start shaking, or feeling nauseous, but I was completely fine. A bit of stage fright but nothing too serious. Maybe I am slowly getting better.

Update

I know it’s called my anxiety troubles, but I might be posting more about life in general, what I’m watching, what I’m listening to, what I like, how I feel.

I won’t categorize it under anxiety, and it will probably be rare, just letting you know. But also, most of my life is related to anxiety, so it might as well be under anxiety.

Feeling Better? How Dare You?

December and January have basically been hell. I was constantly anxious, about travelling and that job interview, but it was mostly about nothing in particular. I just couldn’t be calm and turn off my brain.

Then February kinda sneaked up on me and I don’t remember any panic attacks, any nausea that I couldn’t control, I had no trouble eating, and I think I actually started feeling better.

I have an oral presentation at uni this Saturday. I’ve known about it since November, and I haven’t started panicking yet.

I guess now’s the time.

I’m not doing it alone and I thought I’ve done a bunch of these already so wasn’t really stressed out, ’cause we completed it yesterday and sent it to the professor so she can check if it’s good. And she responded today, basically saying we should do it all over again, and I immediately felt sick. I was quite happy with the work we’ve done. We made a handout and a PowerPoint presentation and I just had to learn it well enough so I wouldn’t have to read everything during the presentation.

But now we have to change our intro. I’m not sure if our examples are well-explained. We completely have to redo our handout. And we’re only communicating by email so sometimes I don’t really understand what my partner’s telling me to do.

I feel like I could scream for an hour straight. But I’m not a screamer. I bottle it all up inside and let it eat me.

And the worst part is that I know I have two days to fix it and make it work so I don’t fail this class, but it’s just making me want to stop, lie down and not do anything. I just want to quit now, watch a TV show or something else to distract myself.

I’ll probably give an update soon about how it went.

And I might write more about oral presentation anxiety.